Whew...it's been over a week (I took the weekends off) of recapitulating my Nia White Belt experience. Today is the final journal entry I wrote on the last 1/2 day of the intensive.

1/2 day today, then some time to play in Portland. I get to reunite with Mike tommorrow, wouldn't you know it I have a head cold. The Mayan Oracle said: "Befriend your mind. Give it a moments rest away from the analyzing and self-judging." I have consciously, the past two days, noticed my judging voice and tried to let it go versus "Jill stop trying to judge..that is SO wrong, your horrible for doing it". Pretty counter productive to tell myself that huh? Instead I have learned that I am insecure when I'm not the expert and that I have a lot of work to do to achive that piece of mind within myself first. It is because I judge myself so fiercely that I find it easy to judge others. I am consciously saying "I don't want THAT". I'm exhausted in both ways. All the time I spend judging myself I could spend educating or opening myself to new ideas and experiences. That is the divine way to go. This week I have spent a week witnessing life without judging. Both Debbie and Carlos work instead with just the facts. Exactly what is. Not what they judge. Even rarely expressing what they think. Only occasionally will they tread carefully on that limb. Mostly they stay in the present and work and discuss what they feel. Which comes across as fact because it is their truth. I have learned to replace "you" with "I" so that I better describe my feelings and ideas and interactions. Not assuming they are the person's I'm talking with. It is amazing to see the two of them (Debbie and Carlos) stand in the light seemingly effortlessly in this world  of unenlightened junk, like traffic or being late or whatever daily task gets in my way, it doesn't seem to effect their vision or their brightness of their light. They both appear connected on a higher level floating above the "junk" that gets in my way of JOY each day. They are the "don't sweat the little stuff" statement before my eyes. I am amazed that four individuals can come to live with them and they stay on their path and I am at times lifted, resurrected to their enlightenment...maybe... actually I have no idea if I'm at their level but I am at a level different than I was so it feels elevated to me.  What a wonderful job/purpose in life to effect how other's feel. I have not seen myself in that realm for a long time. Instead I have felt like a conduit for information---pumping out the right and wrongs, the do's and don'ts. From this moment forward I would like to drop the responsibility of all those people I think I owe to and instead start to enjoy them for who they are and what I can help them feel. What a relief! I feel like I will have to remind myself to suppport myself in that outlook. Too often I let myself get trapped into the mess of it instead of "finding the honey" in it.

I still don't think I want to continue my training business on the level it is. Actually I know I don't want it on the same weight training level but instead have the choice of taking it to a different level. Enough of the "I want to lift weights to get fit" only. Lifting weights is a vessel, a means to get into the body, but not the only one. It will be a challenge to quit my mind on the instruction part of training people and to work being quiet and letting them feel their way into it. Actually it's a bit of a struggle to have me even thinking of working with my clients right now. I am more apt to  visualize an entirely different arena. The vision of changing my environment and changing exactly what I am expected to do is becoming clearer. Currently, I am expected to be a weight trainer. Some where else I may be able to do soemthing else. It is all about getting a clearer idea/feeling from what I want.

Do I feel a dream?

That's the last entry for the week. After that I get thrust back into my daily life and the  holidays (as it is December). My next journal entry is after I have started teaching Nia at the health club I was teaching aerobics at. January 16, 1997, just a short 6-weeks after my intensive. I'll follow up with that tommorrow.

Till then--

Love,

Jill